In relationships and in teams, we often say opposites attract. But have you ever stopped to wonder why?
In June I was in the USA with 150 other strengths coaches. My husband Andy came with me, of course many of them asked what his strengths were. We are almost opposites, what is high for him is low for me and visa vera.
In chatting with other coaches so many shared that their spouses or partner were the total opposites too.
There’s something quite magical (and occasionally maddening) about working closely with someone who thinks, feels and behaves the opposite to you. And yet, it can be the very thing that helps us grow, stretch and seethe world differently.
I often use this real-life example in workshops about the difference between Woo and Relator. When Andy and I go on holiday, I am the one who quickly strike up the conversation by the pool (if I haven’t already on the plane – Yes I am THAT annoying one) by the end of the holiday, I’ve met half the poolside guests, know where they’re from, what they do and arranged to connect.
Meanwhile, he’s had one deep, meaningful conversation — the kind that could lead to lifelong friendship. That’s the power of Relator.
We also balance each other out in other ways. I bring Command. He brings Harmony. We approach conflict in different ways.
We both share Responsibility which, drives our son (Adaptability #1) up the wall. We like plans. He likes options.
But Here’s the Thing…
What could cause conflict actually creates connection, because we understand and value each other’s strengths.
It’s the same in teams.
Opposites Aren’t the Problem – They’re the Advantage
Research backs this up. Gallup found that strengths-based teams:
- Are 12.5% more productive
- Generate 8.9% more profit
- Report higher engagement and lower stress
In a European Journal of Social Psychology study, couples who used complementary behaviours during conflict reported stronger relationships and better connection.
It turns out, balance really does matter — in love and leadership.
Have You Ever Had Your Partner/Spouse Take the Assessment?
If you haven’t… maybe suggest it, a gift even.
You might learn something new. Or, more likely, be reminded of the very things you value and appreciate about them.
Even better, share your own CliftonStrengths report with them and ask for feedback. Have a proper conversation about how to get the best from each other. Use these four simple prompts:
- You get the best of me when…
- You get the worst of me when…
- This is what I need from you…
- This is what you can count on me for…
Now, I’m no marriage counsellor, I’ll leave that to the experts — but we do try to be a strengths-based family.
If you have kids and this topic grabs your interest, I highly recommend the book Strengths Based Parenting by Dr. Mary Reckmeyer. It’s full of practical ways to spot, support and stretch your child’s natural talents — and understand your own in the process.
What About You?
- Who’s your “opposite” at home or work?
- How have they helped you be a better version of yourself?
- When was the last time you had a real conversation about what each of you brings to the table?
Opposites attract. But strengths keep you connected.
